Tides of a Living Ocean
by Boneless Nico Ni
Summary: An ocean has so many emotions for something non-living. It can be angry, it can be calm. It can be sad, and sometimes on good day it might even just be happy.


**Warnings: Self harm, verbal and physical abuse. If you are sensitive to these topics, please read with caution. More on this in the bottom A/N.**

She finished cleaning up her wrist after several minutes of washing, disinfecting, and bandaging them. Turning off the faucet of the sink she walked towards her room. She sat on the bed of the safe haven that was her room. Staring down at her wrist, the scarred girl wonders what brought her to the dull, pulsating, ache she could feel now. She knows it's wrong, but how could she stop? It was like second nature for her at this point. A coping mechanism that never failed her.

Perhaps the most troubling thing to the Umi was that she cared less of how it hurt her, and more of how her friends would react. She mostly cared about what her favorite bird might think. She absolutely refuses to admit to her own feeling for the ash haired girl. Deep down she knew she was in love with that beautiful, soft eyed girl she so desperately wanted to claim for herself. When she was with Kotori and the rest of her friends she felt safe, loved and important. Here at home… well it's a house. She only ever felt really at home when she was with muse.

Looking back down at her wrist, her expression changed; from one of sadness and confusion to malice and scorn. How could she be so stupid? She was losing the battle against herself. She decided to let it go for the night and figure it out later.

Deciding to sleep right now (even though it was only about to be 6pm) she turned of the lamp next to her twin sized bed. Her other most common coping technique was to sleep. She just wanted to live her life in a dream. A life of illusions was so much more interesting and happy. When she first started sleeping through depression, she had a few dreams here and there. When she had one of her and Kotori, she started sleeping even more. Then she found out about lucid dreaming. She spent weeks doing reality checks, like trying to push her finger through her hand. Once she was able to finally control her dreams, she created her perfect world.

Umi was married to kotori and they lived in a three bedroom house with a garden of gorgeous vibrant flowers. Honoka lived just down the street and dropped by often. The rest of muse lived nearby as well. Nico, Rin, and Hanayo had continued as idols and were very popular. Eli owned a successful advertising company and taught ballet in her free time. Nozomi became a psychologist and loved helping her patients. The Nishikino hospital was passed on to Maki, who taught piano lessons on the side. All of muse were still as close as ever and she couldn't have been happier.

Unfortunately, these were only dreams. Once she woke up everything disappeared in instant. Then it was back to this, soul crushing, painful reality. She really couldn't decide if sleeping was the answer or not, but at the moment she didn't care. She didn't want to drown in her own thoughts again. She fell asleep in minutes.

_ She was sitting the couch, her arm around the girl she charised so much. The two women were watching a show about organized crime Kotori had picked. Kotori's head lays on her wife's shoulder as she groggily watches the TV. Umi yawns, and so does Kotori._

_ Umi turns her head to look at her lover to ask, "Wanna go to bed babe?"._

_ Kotori nods sleepily and kisses Umi on the cheek. "Carry me?"._

_ Umi looks like she's ready to object, so Kotori quickly gives her best kicked puppy look. _

_ Umi just can't say no. "Fine" she says as she kisses the top of the ash haired ones head._

_ After setting Kotori down on the bed Umi climbs in after her. They snuggle up close in each others arms. As umi is about to fall asleep something… unexpected happens. _

"_Get up right now!". A familiar voice screams._

_ Startled Umi jolts up to see who is yelling. Eli? What is she doing here? Before can ask a question or even process what is happening she is slapped hard on the cheek._

_**SMACK!**_

The sound echoes through Umi's head as she is finally awake. Feeling the stinging pain on her cheek, she looks up seeing the furious and crazed eyes of her mother. Feeling anxious she starts to tremble in fear.

"Y-yes m-m-mother" she quietly ask.

"DON'T 'YES MOTHER' ME!" she bellowed "AND DON'T STUTTER, IT'S PATHETIC!"

"Sorry mother" the blue haired girl barely managed to say.

"JUST SHUT THE HELL UP AND GO GRAB THE GROCERIES OUT OF THE CAR!" screeched her mother.

Not wasting any more time, the teen ran down the stairs to grab the plastic grocery bags from the car. Once she came inside her mother looked at her expectantly.

"Im done mother" Umi reports.

"Good" she replies almost sounding pleased. Her expression turns hostile again "Next time I text you answer your damn phone and be ready!"

Looking down at her feet, Umi responds " Yes ma'am. It won't happen again."

"It better not! Now go to your room and stay in there till school tomorrow."

"Yes Ma'am" Umi thought it wise to not protest. Instead she turned around and went back to her room.

Entering her room and closing the door behind her, Umi checks her phone. It was now 11:48. She then opened her phones call and message app.

_4 missed calls from mother_

_27 New Messages from mother _

_2 New Messages from Kotori ?_

_1 New Message from Honka ? _

Umi didn't feel like answering her friends at the moment. The blue haired girl chose to not answer, knowing her friends were most likely a sleep. Not being able to go back to sleep, she started doing homework she hadn't finished earlier in the day. Once Umi was done, she started to feel dizzy and light headed from not eating dinner. The didn't exactly feel brave enough to go down to the kitchen and risk _**actually **_angering her mother. No instead she just crawled back into bed and finally got some sleep.

**A/N: Hey reader! This is the first chapter of my first story. I REALLY hope you liked it. Please leave a honest review. Tell me if you liked, hated it, or think there's anything I could improve on. I will likely go back and edit this chapter one more time before uploading the next part. I will try my best to not misrepresent mental health. I am in NO WAY an expert on these issues. I am going off of personal experience with depression and have also done some research to an extent. Anyway i'll STFU now, have a nice day!**


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